better?

Is it really better to walk in the darkness than to live in the illusion of light?  Years ago I used to wish that I had been "saved" out of some terribly dark pit of sin so that I would have a clear testimony of God's grace and mercy.  I've always felt that I was among those who love little because I've been forgiven little (or so it feels).  Having been raised in a "good" Christian home, never rebelled, always done the "right" thing, I've never had a sense of being much of a sinner.  In my mind I knew and had been taught how sinful we all are before a holy God, but I've never really felt it in the core of my being.  Until the past couple of years.  My eyes have slowly been opening up to the stark reality of a huge dysfunction (sin) that has had a debilitating effect on my marriage.  My wife has been blessed with great sensitivity, as well as honesty - both characteristics that have served me well in bringing to light this truly horrible, twisted part of me.  For so many years I rationalized away the seriousness of this matter, trying to encourage my wife to focus on what we do have in our marriage and not let what is lacking to trip us up.

Long story short: my growing awareness of this, along with not seeing any progress in overcoming it, has been a major contributor to my sense of walking in darkness instead of in the light.  Aren't all good, Spirit-filled Christians, supposed to be walking in the light, full of love, joy, peace, etc.?  I believe God has been hearing my cries to be delivered from this stronghold of the enemy, but why is He taking so long to answer and do what He promises to do for those who put their trust in Him? After going twice to a professional, Christian therapist/minister I felt very clearly that God spoke to me and said that we didn't need to look to professionals to help us in this area, that He was going to use the very weaknesses that hinder us the most as  the training ground to prepare us for what He wants us to do in the future.  So we quit going . . . and the struggles have continued unabated.  During the last 6 months I have decided to focus on prayer, drawing closer to God, to overcome what I've ended up calling a "fear of intimacy".  But God doesn't jump when we snap our fingers, does He? His ways and His timing are just not the same as ours.  For now He seems content to let us continue struggling in the darkness.  Even my prayers are a huge struggle.  I rarely can find the right words and usually fall back on the one word that always brings me a measure of peace: "Daddy . . .Daddy . . .!"

"Who is blind but my servant,
    and deaf like the messenger I send?
Who is blind like the one committed to me,
    blind like the servant of the LORD?"  (Isaiah 42:19)

"For judgment I have come into the world, so that the blind will see and those who see will become blind. . . If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains." - Jesus (Jn.9:39-41)

The mysteries of God are more satisfying than the answers of men.  - G.K. Chesterton