I ran across this phrase, "divine child abuse", in a forward to a biography of Dietrich Bonhoeffer. His emphasis on "costly grace" was frowned upon by those who could not wrap their minds around the idea of divine wrath and justice being satisfied by the sacrifice of God's Son on a cross. To be honest, I've never been able to wrap my mind around that either. I'm convinced that requires a revelation that only the Spirit can communicate.
What I do have a clearer grasp on, though, is that the dealings of God in my own life can indeed feel like divine child abuse, Why can't we as believers be more honest and upfront about this? The Bible certainly is! There is a whole book in the Bible (Job) devoted to the theme of bad things happening to a good person, with God's permission. I won't take the time here to give specific references to Bible passages (well, here's one: Ps,30:7b, "When you hid your face I was dismayed,"), but the Bible is full of examples of God not only withholding blessing but even causing pain. Most of the time it was for an obvious reason (sin), but not always. Did Joseph deserve to be sold into slavery and then be thrown into prison for doing the right thing? But let's cut to the chase. What does Scripture say about how the Father treated His own Son? "Yet it pleased the LORD to bruise him, [to] put him to grief" (Is. 53:10). There's obviously deep mystery involved in pain and suffering that no amount of Christianeze can adequately explain.
Please don't give pat answers to those who are enduring pain and suffering because there are none. Instead, quietly come alongside and learn to listen. Understand that you are not separate from them but intricately connected. Before we can even begin to open our mouths we have to be sure that we've been able to fully identify with them in their suffering. That's what Jesus did.
The greatest mystery/suffering in my life at this point revolves around this question: Why is God taking so long to come close to me when I have spent my lifetime seeking to draw close to Him? It does feel like child abuse. That's why Jesus' parable of the unjust judge makes so much sense to me. Because a time is coming, apparently right before Jesus returns, when God will indeed appear to be an unjust judge, or an abusive father. Only the qualities of hope and patient endurance will carry us through such times, qualities we don't look forward to being trained in.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Sunday, June 14, 2015
why I have hope
One day Jesus taught the apostles to keep praying and never stop or lose hope. He shared with them this illustration:
"In a certain town there was a civil judge, a thick-skinned and godless man who had no fear of others' opinions. And there was a poor widow in that town who kept pleading with the judge, 'Grant me justice and protect me against my oppressor'!
"He ignored her pleas for quite some time, but she kept asking. Eventually he said to himself, 'This widow keeps annoying me, demanding her rights, and I'm tired of listening to her. Even though I'm not a religious man and don't care about the opinions of others, I'll just get her off my back by answering her claims for justice and I'll rule in her favor. The she'll leave me alone'.
The Lord continued, "Did you hear what the ungodly judge said - that he would answer her persistent request? Don't you know that God, the true judge, will grant justice to all of his chosen ones who cry out to him night and day? He will pour out his Spirit upon them. He will not delay to answer you and give you what you ask for. God will give swift justice to those who don't give up.
So be ever praying, ever expecting, just like the widow was with the judge. Yet when the Son of Man comes back, will he find this kind of persistent faithfulness in his people? (Luke 18:1-8 TPT)
"In a certain town there was a civil judge, a thick-skinned and godless man who had no fear of others' opinions. And there was a poor widow in that town who kept pleading with the judge, 'Grant me justice and protect me against my oppressor'!
"He ignored her pleas for quite some time, but she kept asking. Eventually he said to himself, 'This widow keeps annoying me, demanding her rights, and I'm tired of listening to her. Even though I'm not a religious man and don't care about the opinions of others, I'll just get her off my back by answering her claims for justice and I'll rule in her favor. The she'll leave me alone'.
The Lord continued, "Did you hear what the ungodly judge said - that he would answer her persistent request? Don't you know that God, the true judge, will grant justice to all of his chosen ones who cry out to him night and day? He will pour out his Spirit upon them. He will not delay to answer you and give you what you ask for. God will give swift justice to those who don't give up.
So be ever praying, ever expecting, just like the widow was with the judge. Yet when the Son of Man comes back, will he find this kind of persistent faithfulness in his people? (Luke 18:1-8 TPT)
better?
Is it really better to walk in the darkness than to live in the illusion of light? Years ago I used to wish that I had been "saved" out of some terribly dark pit of sin so that I would have a clear testimony of God's grace and mercy. I've always felt that I was among those who love little because I've been forgiven little (or so it feels). Having been raised in a "good" Christian home, never rebelled, always done the "right" thing, I've never had a sense of being much of a sinner. In my mind I knew and had been taught how sinful we all are before a holy God, but I've never really felt it in the core of my being. Until the past couple of years. My eyes have slowly been opening up to the stark reality of a huge dysfunction (sin) that has had a debilitating effect on my marriage. My wife has been blessed with great sensitivity, as well as honesty - both characteristics that have served me well in bringing to light this truly horrible, twisted part of me. For so many years I rationalized away the seriousness of this matter, trying to encourage my wife to focus on what we do have in our marriage and not let what is lacking to trip us up.
Long story short: my growing awareness of this, along with not seeing any progress in overcoming it, has been a major contributor to my sense of walking in darkness instead of in the light. Aren't all good, Spirit-filled Christians, supposed to be walking in the light, full of love, joy, peace, etc.? I believe God has been hearing my cries to be delivered from this stronghold of the enemy, but why is He taking so long to answer and do what He promises to do for those who put their trust in Him? After going twice to a professional, Christian therapist/minister I felt very clearly that God spoke to me and said that we didn't need to look to professionals to help us in this area, that He was going to use the very weaknesses that hinder us the most as the training ground to prepare us for what He wants us to do in the future. So we quit going . . . and the struggles have continued unabated. During the last 6 months I have decided to focus on prayer, drawing closer to God, to overcome what I've ended up calling a "fear of intimacy". But God doesn't jump when we snap our fingers, does He? His ways and His timing are just not the same as ours. For now He seems content to let us continue struggling in the darkness. Even my prayers are a huge struggle. I rarely can find the right words and usually fall back on the one word that always brings me a measure of peace: "Daddy . . .Daddy . . .!"
"Who is blind but my servant,
and deaf like the messenger I send?
Who is blind like the one committed to me,
blind like the servant of the LORD?" (Isaiah 42:19)
"For judgment I have come into the world, so that the blind will see and those who see will become blind. . . If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains." - Jesus (Jn.9:39-41)
The mysteries of God are more satisfying than the answers of men. - G.K. Chesterton
Long story short: my growing awareness of this, along with not seeing any progress in overcoming it, has been a major contributor to my sense of walking in darkness instead of in the light. Aren't all good, Spirit-filled Christians, supposed to be walking in the light, full of love, joy, peace, etc.? I believe God has been hearing my cries to be delivered from this stronghold of the enemy, but why is He taking so long to answer and do what He promises to do for those who put their trust in Him? After going twice to a professional, Christian therapist/minister I felt very clearly that God spoke to me and said that we didn't need to look to professionals to help us in this area, that He was going to use the very weaknesses that hinder us the most as the training ground to prepare us for what He wants us to do in the future. So we quit going . . . and the struggles have continued unabated. During the last 6 months I have decided to focus on prayer, drawing closer to God, to overcome what I've ended up calling a "fear of intimacy". But God doesn't jump when we snap our fingers, does He? His ways and His timing are just not the same as ours. For now He seems content to let us continue struggling in the darkness. Even my prayers are a huge struggle. I rarely can find the right words and usually fall back on the one word that always brings me a measure of peace: "Daddy . . .Daddy . . .!"
"Who is blind but my servant,
and deaf like the messenger I send?
Who is blind like the one committed to me,
blind like the servant of the LORD?" (Isaiah 42:19)
"For judgment I have come into the world, so that the blind will see and those who see will become blind. . . If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains." - Jesus (Jn.9:39-41)
The mysteries of God are more satisfying than the answers of men. - G.K. Chesterton
Saturday, June 13, 2015
the valley of the shadow of death
This
has been a strange year so far. In another blog I may explain
why, but I have a great expectation of a breakthrough this year,
beginning this summer. But the lead-up so far has been anything
but, which I trust is only proving the saying that the darkness is
the greatest before the dawn. Both my wife and I have been
struggling with discouragement and spiritual fatigue. One can
only hang in there so long. I don't like to blog when I'm in a
spiritual "down" time (which is why you haven't seen any
blogs for a while). But I've decided that, 1. it's not honest
to only blog on the "good" days, and, 2. I would like to
have some record of the hard times so I don't forget what I've come
through. I don't want to ever take for granted the goodness and grace of God when it becomes more clearly manifested.
Too many words can clutter the mind so I will try and keep this and future blogs brief and to the point. Here are two short poems that came to me recently.
I thought I saw the light of dawn -
But it was only the light of man's creation.
A light rain was falling
And I didn't even know it.
I long for the downpour -
A clear sign of cleansing,
of a change so desperately needed.
Instead, a light rain falls;
Tears from heaven
mingling with mine.
"In all their affliction He was afflicted." (Isaiah 63:9)
The other day I ran across a journal I had started to keep way back in 1996. In the March 22 entry I felt I had received the following as a comforting word from God, in response to my honest admission that I felt like I was still walking in so much darkness, but was desperately wanting more of His light.
"It is better to walk in the reality of the darkness than to walk in an illusion of light."
Wow! That word spoke to me just as powerfully in my present circumstances as it did way back then. In my next blog I will explain why this word means so much to me.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
awake or die!
One of the underlying assumptions that you will notice running through these blogs is that the physical realm is a window into the spiritual realm. The greatest example of this is Jesus, who not only taught through parables, but who pointed to his physical being and said, "If you have seen me, you have seen the Father."
So one of my goals in life is to wake up to what God is trying to say to us through the physical realm that we have been created to live and experience God in.
One of the greatest dangers in life is to be lulled into a sense of complacency, where we go through life not fully alive, not fully engaging with our Creator or His call on our life. Jesus' harshest words were directed to such people, even though they claimed to be his representatives. To the church at Laodicea he said that he wished that they would either be hot or cold, because if they continued to only be lukewarm he would have to spew them out of his mouth. Just a few days ago I feel like I got a similar wake-up call, only it came in a very physical, dramatic way. I have a terrible weakness in that I can easily fall asleep at the wheel. Once, a couple of years ago, I dozed off while driving home from work. I awoke from my 2 or 3 second slumber to find that the car had drifted across the oncoming lane and onto the shoulder, the roughness of which woke me up! That shook me up pretty bad . . . but not bad enough to really do anything about it. I thought I could somehow will myself to never let that happen again. Well, I discovered just a few days ago that I had been lulled into a very dangerous sense of complacency. This time I was driving on a busier stretch of road and wasn't even aware that drowsiness was coming on me. Before I knew it, I was waking up, just like it had happened before, with the car having crossed over into the opposite lane and was heading onto that shoulder. This time, though, there was another car involved, and it had swerved so far over off it's shoulder that it had crossed a ditch and was trying to avoid hitting a fence. I'm embarrassed to say I didn't stop to make sure the other driver was OK (but from what I could see in my rear view mirror he/she seemed alright). But I knew now that I was not OK. I've decided I need to take steps correct this problem before I kill myself or someone else!
As serious as this physical problem is, there is no doubt in my mind that it pales in comparison to the spiritual condition of our souls. It is so easy - way too easy - to assume that we're doing OK spiritually, when in fact we may truly be in a similar situation, spiritually, that I found myself in at the physical level. Those of us in the Church are familiar with Jesus' warning to the Laodicean believers and we try hard to think that we're not as bad as those lukewarm people. But it should be extremely sobering to us to read Jesus' warning to the
Ephesian church, the strongest and most pre-eminent of the churches that Paul had established. If I'm not mistaken, this was the church where the beloved apostle John (the one disciple who enjoyed the most intimate relationship with the Lord) spent his last years of ministry before being imprisoned on the Isle of Patmos. In Revelation 2 Jesus warns this church that they had lost their "first love", and if they failed to repent the lampstand (their light source) would be removed from their midst.
Are we as Christians being the salt and light in our society that Jesus said his disciples should be? Or are we like the salt that has lost its savor and (to quote Jesus) "is only fit to be thrown out and trod underfoot"? I for one know that I am far from measuring up to Jesus' requirements to be his disciple. At times I wonder if I have ever even truly entered into the reality of the gospel (good news) that Jesus proclaimed. My grasp of it has only been an intellectual one. I've had no deep-seated, heart felt, awareness of my sinful, lost condition, which is a pre-requisite to genuine repentance and a joyful receiving of God's forgiveness. I'm among those whom Jesus described as loving little because they've been forgiven little. I've always been a "good guy", doing my best to be obedient to God and His Word - probably much like the rich young ruler whom Jesus loved, but whom Jesus said was not yet a part of God's kingdom. I may be one step ahead of that young man because I have given my life over to following Jesus. But something is still seriously wrong in me. Like those who suffer from sleep apnia (which could be my problem and the cause of my falling asleep at the wheel) I feel like I'm oxygen deprived, spiritually. I was raised and trained in studying the written Word, but I have great difficulty knowing and relating to the Spirit, who is the breath of God to us. I feel like I was brain-damaged at (my spiritual) birth because although there was plenty of water (the written Word) there was a lack of oxygen (the Spirit). [Not to point a finger at the part of the Church I was raised in. Those in the Church who emphasize the Spirit are often lacking in the Word, so there can be imbalance in either direction.]
But I am not without hope! I take inspiration from Jesus' parable of the persistent widow and the the unjust judge. I am determined to not let go of my persistent prayers, asking the Father to finish the work He has begun in me. Jesus is the one I look to to heal whatever damage the "lack of oxygen" in my new birth may have caused. I long to breathe deeply of His Spirit, as well as to drink deeply of His Word. He has given me great hope that he will indeed fulfill this longing within me and within all who realize that if they don't get more oxygen, they either die or live well below their potential. If we fail to wake up to our true condition we are headed for a life-threatening collision with reality.
So one of my goals in life is to wake up to what God is trying to say to us through the physical realm that we have been created to live and experience God in.
One of the greatest dangers in life is to be lulled into a sense of complacency, where we go through life not fully alive, not fully engaging with our Creator or His call on our life. Jesus' harshest words were directed to such people, even though they claimed to be his representatives. To the church at Laodicea he said that he wished that they would either be hot or cold, because if they continued to only be lukewarm he would have to spew them out of his mouth. Just a few days ago I feel like I got a similar wake-up call, only it came in a very physical, dramatic way. I have a terrible weakness in that I can easily fall asleep at the wheel. Once, a couple of years ago, I dozed off while driving home from work. I awoke from my 2 or 3 second slumber to find that the car had drifted across the oncoming lane and onto the shoulder, the roughness of which woke me up! That shook me up pretty bad . . . but not bad enough to really do anything about it. I thought I could somehow will myself to never let that happen again. Well, I discovered just a few days ago that I had been lulled into a very dangerous sense of complacency. This time I was driving on a busier stretch of road and wasn't even aware that drowsiness was coming on me. Before I knew it, I was waking up, just like it had happened before, with the car having crossed over into the opposite lane and was heading onto that shoulder. This time, though, there was another car involved, and it had swerved so far over off it's shoulder that it had crossed a ditch and was trying to avoid hitting a fence. I'm embarrassed to say I didn't stop to make sure the other driver was OK (but from what I could see in my rear view mirror he/she seemed alright). But I knew now that I was not OK. I've decided I need to take steps correct this problem before I kill myself or someone else!
As serious as this physical problem is, there is no doubt in my mind that it pales in comparison to the spiritual condition of our souls. It is so easy - way too easy - to assume that we're doing OK spiritually, when in fact we may truly be in a similar situation, spiritually, that I found myself in at the physical level. Those of us in the Church are familiar with Jesus' warning to the Laodicean believers and we try hard to think that we're not as bad as those lukewarm people. But it should be extremely sobering to us to read Jesus' warning to the
Ephesian church, the strongest and most pre-eminent of the churches that Paul had established. If I'm not mistaken, this was the church where the beloved apostle John (the one disciple who enjoyed the most intimate relationship with the Lord) spent his last years of ministry before being imprisoned on the Isle of Patmos. In Revelation 2 Jesus warns this church that they had lost their "first love", and if they failed to repent the lampstand (their light source) would be removed from their midst.
Are we as Christians being the salt and light in our society that Jesus said his disciples should be? Or are we like the salt that has lost its savor and (to quote Jesus) "is only fit to be thrown out and trod underfoot"? I for one know that I am far from measuring up to Jesus' requirements to be his disciple. At times I wonder if I have ever even truly entered into the reality of the gospel (good news) that Jesus proclaimed. My grasp of it has only been an intellectual one. I've had no deep-seated, heart felt, awareness of my sinful, lost condition, which is a pre-requisite to genuine repentance and a joyful receiving of God's forgiveness. I'm among those whom Jesus described as loving little because they've been forgiven little. I've always been a "good guy", doing my best to be obedient to God and His Word - probably much like the rich young ruler whom Jesus loved, but whom Jesus said was not yet a part of God's kingdom. I may be one step ahead of that young man because I have given my life over to following Jesus. But something is still seriously wrong in me. Like those who suffer from sleep apnia (which could be my problem and the cause of my falling asleep at the wheel) I feel like I'm oxygen deprived, spiritually. I was raised and trained in studying the written Word, but I have great difficulty knowing and relating to the Spirit, who is the breath of God to us. I feel like I was brain-damaged at (my spiritual) birth because although there was plenty of water (the written Word) there was a lack of oxygen (the Spirit). [Not to point a finger at the part of the Church I was raised in. Those in the Church who emphasize the Spirit are often lacking in the Word, so there can be imbalance in either direction.]
But I am not without hope! I take inspiration from Jesus' parable of the persistent widow and the the unjust judge. I am determined to not let go of my persistent prayers, asking the Father to finish the work He has begun in me. Jesus is the one I look to to heal whatever damage the "lack of oxygen" in my new birth may have caused. I long to breathe deeply of His Spirit, as well as to drink deeply of His Word. He has given me great hope that he will indeed fulfill this longing within me and within all who realize that if they don't get more oxygen, they either die or live well below their potential. If we fail to wake up to our true condition we are headed for a life-threatening collision with reality.
Monday, April 16, 2012
knife's edge
At the close of a permaculture class I went to a few years ago we had a gift exchange where we explained to the person who got your gift why we had chosen that gift to give away. I had given away a knife and my explanation was that the path of life was very narrow - like a knife's edge - and the only way we can stay on the path is to have a love for the truth that will keep our eyes always on what is true. I had gotten this thought from Rick Joyner's book, THE CALL, where he relates a prophetic encounter with Jesus where Jesus tells him that the path of life is a narrow one that has deep ditches on both sides of it. He told Rick that he had spent too much time in one or the other of the ditches and it was now time to learn how to stay out of the ditches and on the path. The only way to stay on the path, Jesus told him, was by keeping his eyes on Him.
The other day I heard a piece on National Public Radio describing the life and work of a photo journalist who had recently been killed, I believe in the Libyan uprising. In an interview done before his death this journalist was asked how he could do his work in such dangerous settings (he had a reputation for doing his work in some of the most dangerous "hotspots" around the world). His answer was that as long as he kept his eyes looking through the lens of his camara, i.e. on doing his job, he wasn't overcome or paralyzed by fear. This, to me, was another way of saying what Jesus said to Rick. Like Peter walking on the water in the middle of a storm on the lake, as soon as we take our eyes off Jesus and begin to look at the wind and the waves, we're sunk!
I have just begun a new job that I am convinced is a gift from God. The odd thing about it is that it involves operating farm machinery, which I do not have a good track record with. Years ago I had worked on my brother-in-law's farm and had had a couple accidents which convinced me I was not cut out to work with heavy machinery. But now, here I am, in a job I'm convinced I'm supposed to have, doing the very thing I thought I was supposed to avoid!
The second day on the job a semi-truck was needing to be loaded with a product that was going to be applied on a field down the road. My supervisor had to be away at the time and it was up to me and another fellow to do the loading. Well, even though it's not that complicated to operate a front-end loader, because I was still becoming familiar with the machine I was not exactly smooth in my operation. It was not long before I banged the side of the dump part of the truck and got yelled at by the truck driver. Fortunately God gave me the wisdom to just park the loader then and there and let the other fellow do the rest of the loading. As it turned out, the truck driver knew how to operate the loader so he ended up helping to load his own truck, which he seemed happy to do!
At the time all this was happening I was getting confused as to why this wonderful job that God had provided was putting me in situations that I didn't think I should be in. I was learning an important lesson that I needed to learn: to admit - and to stop! - when I was not comfortable operating a machine (as a guy, it's tempting to do the macho thing and think, "oh, I can do this!"). But as I've continued to reflect on the situation I'm seeing something even more important.
It is my growing conviction that we are entering a time of ever-increasing peril and danger, on every level. The Scriptures warn us very clearly about this time. In Hebrews we are told that everything that can be shaken will be shaken, so that only what has its foundation in God will be left standing. Jesus put it about as bluntly as he could when he told his disciples that without him they could do nothing. I am now beginning every day with a prayer that says, in essence, "Daddy, help me! Give me the wisdom to work safely and not do anything stupid!" I find great peace in knowing that he hears and honors such prayers, for he has promised to give grace to the humble, but to oppose the proud.
Maybe it's an overstatement to say that the path of life is as narrow as a knife's edge. But maybe not. Jesus did seem to set ridiculously high standards ("Be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect", or, "Take up your cross daily and follow me"). But maybe the whole intent of his perfect standard is to get us to fall on that knife's edge, have it slice through our soul and spirit, in order to expose every thought and intent of the heart. Somewhere in the Psalms I know that there is a promise for those who hang in there with God, that He will bring them out into a "broad place". Now that would be a nice place.
The other day I heard a piece on National Public Radio describing the life and work of a photo journalist who had recently been killed, I believe in the Libyan uprising. In an interview done before his death this journalist was asked how he could do his work in such dangerous settings (he had a reputation for doing his work in some of the most dangerous "hotspots" around the world). His answer was that as long as he kept his eyes looking through the lens of his camara, i.e. on doing his job, he wasn't overcome or paralyzed by fear. This, to me, was another way of saying what Jesus said to Rick. Like Peter walking on the water in the middle of a storm on the lake, as soon as we take our eyes off Jesus and begin to look at the wind and the waves, we're sunk!
I have just begun a new job that I am convinced is a gift from God. The odd thing about it is that it involves operating farm machinery, which I do not have a good track record with. Years ago I had worked on my brother-in-law's farm and had had a couple accidents which convinced me I was not cut out to work with heavy machinery. But now, here I am, in a job I'm convinced I'm supposed to have, doing the very thing I thought I was supposed to avoid!
The second day on the job a semi-truck was needing to be loaded with a product that was going to be applied on a field down the road. My supervisor had to be away at the time and it was up to me and another fellow to do the loading. Well, even though it's not that complicated to operate a front-end loader, because I was still becoming familiar with the machine I was not exactly smooth in my operation. It was not long before I banged the side of the dump part of the truck and got yelled at by the truck driver. Fortunately God gave me the wisdom to just park the loader then and there and let the other fellow do the rest of the loading. As it turned out, the truck driver knew how to operate the loader so he ended up helping to load his own truck, which he seemed happy to do!
At the time all this was happening I was getting confused as to why this wonderful job that God had provided was putting me in situations that I didn't think I should be in. I was learning an important lesson that I needed to learn: to admit - and to stop! - when I was not comfortable operating a machine (as a guy, it's tempting to do the macho thing and think, "oh, I can do this!"). But as I've continued to reflect on the situation I'm seeing something even more important.
It is my growing conviction that we are entering a time of ever-increasing peril and danger, on every level. The Scriptures warn us very clearly about this time. In Hebrews we are told that everything that can be shaken will be shaken, so that only what has its foundation in God will be left standing. Jesus put it about as bluntly as he could when he told his disciples that without him they could do nothing. I am now beginning every day with a prayer that says, in essence, "Daddy, help me! Give me the wisdom to work safely and not do anything stupid!" I find great peace in knowing that he hears and honors such prayers, for he has promised to give grace to the humble, but to oppose the proud.
Maybe it's an overstatement to say that the path of life is as narrow as a knife's edge. But maybe not. Jesus did seem to set ridiculously high standards ("Be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect", or, "Take up your cross daily and follow me"). But maybe the whole intent of his perfect standard is to get us to fall on that knife's edge, have it slice through our soul and spirit, in order to expose every thought and intent of the heart. Somewhere in the Psalms I know that there is a promise for those who hang in there with God, that He will bring them out into a "broad place". Now that would be a nice place.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
on being repellent
Anyone who works with potting soil long enough will sooner or later discover an amazing phenomena. I had learned of this early in my gardening experience but had not quite grasped it sufficiently because I recently made the classic mistake a beginning gardener would make who is ignorant of this problem. What I am referring to is the problem of soil that is so dry that it actually repels water instead of absorbing it. How crazy is that! Just a few days ago I bought a bag of really nice, "seed starter" potting soil. I like to get an early jump on growing vegetables, so I start seedlings in the middle of the winter in the basement, under grow lights. So here I was, with this potting soil that was half frozen from sitting outside at the local garden center, and I was pouring it into the "flat" where I'd be growing the seedlings. As I was breaking up the frozen lumps and smoothing out the surface of the flat the thought briefly flashed through my mind, "I wonder if this soil needs to be "wetted" first. In other words, I was aware that dry soil should really be thoroughly mixed together with some water before being put in the flat; otherwise, when you sprinkle water on it, the water will literally run off the surface and not properly penetrate below the surface. I think because this soil was so cold it felt like it had moisture in it (moist things feel cooler, right?), so I didn't bother to go through the wetting process (which involves putting the soil in a bucket, adding water, and manually combining the two together until you can feel that the soil has had the moisture evenly dispersed and absorbed into it).
HOLY SONNETS.
XIV.
Batter my heart, three-person'd God ; for you
As yet but knock ; breathe, shine, and seek to mend ;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy ;
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.
Source:
Donne, John. Poems of John Donne. vol I.
E. K. Chambers, ed.
London: Lawrence & Bullen, 1896. 165.
Well, the short of it is, it took me 3 days to finally get water to properly penetrate into that seedbed! It was a mess - I've never had such a problem before (well, I have, but I felt like a complete novice who had to learn his lesson all over again)! In the process of trying to get water to penetrate from the surface down I totally messed up the (very small and hard to see) seeds which were planted close to the surface, undoubtedly sloshing some of them over the side with the water that was only pooling on the surface and refusing to soak into the soil.
Why this attempt to describe one gardener's struggle with potting soil? Because I see in it such an amazing picture of what must happen within the human soul - within my own heart - when there has been such a lack of moisture. When the moisture comes that we really need, we end up pushing it away. The very thing we need we are unable to absorb. Can you think of a worse tragedy then this? Yet I believe this is precisely the condition that I find myself in (and I suspect I'm not alone in this) . I was given a prophetic word years ago which said that my heart was like the gates of Jericho just before the Israelites conquered it - shut up tight. Ouch! Fortunately that word went on to give me hope that this condition would change, but I've pondered on the meaning of it for a long time. Frankly, it's been a mystery to me that I've struggled to understand. But this simple illustration from my gardening experience offers a clue to understanding and beginning to unravel this mystery.
Another clue to solving this riddle comes in the form of a sonnet by John Donne.
XIV.
As yet but knock ; breathe, shine, and seek to mend ;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy ;
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.
Source:
Donne, John. Poems of John Donne. vol I.
E. K. Chambers, ed.
London: Lawrence & Bullen, 1896. 165.
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